

My Uncle Irwin was also a circus performer, and-let’s not get into that one. You’ll lick and lick until your tongue falls out, hollow and rotted.

You might reach a day where no lick will compare to the first one. This act of “liberation,” as you put it, drives your senses, tantalizes your taste buds, and leaves you wanting more. Your penchant for licking everything and coating random products with your saliva could very well be a cry for help. What started out as a COVID TikTok romp has clearly turned into an obsession. It’s a wonder we’re able to focus on anything else. The allure of posting short-form videos is too much to resist in our attention-starved culture. Their success is largely attributed to mind control and hypnosis. Last I checked, TikTok surpassed Google as the most popular app, with some 2 billion downloads to date. It’s a dangerous road hindered best through the complete dissociation with TikTok and social media alike. Have you considered “pup play?” Sometimes the latest social media craze takes hold, and before we know it, we’re planking atop milk crates in an alleyway with our pants down, trying to get our next fix. Your seemingly dog-like obsession with licking everything is as intriguing as it is repulsive. I get dozens of letters about fetishes each week. Legend has it, he was performing his final act before leaving this world.

He was tragically hit by a train and killed some years later. Uncle Frank soon retired from the circus with a collapsed lung and a slew of health problems. You see, no performance is undignified if people are willing to watch it. He had an act where mules kicked him around for about fifteen minutes to thunderous audience applause. This taught me an important life lesson, further exemplified by my Uncle Frank, who performed with the traveling circus. He survived the ordeal and came out of it more popular than ever. There was this one kid who fell down an abandoned mineshaft after a dare, but no one put a gun to his head. No one ingested laundry detergent pods or fistfuls of cinnamon for attention. When I was a kid, we’d race across the monkey bars or challenge one another to a game of dodge ball. Sometimes even I have trouble keeping up with it all. But here we are, leaping toward the next trend.

I didn’t think anything could top the sulfuric acid challenge sweeping the nation just last week. PS If you do not already engage in this practice yourself, I encourage you to liberate yourself and try it.
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I am in desperate need of advice on how to convince them to try it. I think licking things could change their lives. The problem is that some neighborhood kids have been filming me enjoying licks through my window and have recently tried to get me to pay them not to post it everywhere. I’ve found that black coffee and red wine really cleanse the palate so that I can experience each lick as if it is brand new. If the flavor is acceptable, I go ahead with the purchase and lick it more in depth at home. Ice cream containers, Windex, sofas, plungers, etc. Now I lick the items discretely before purchase. But, in licking everything I buy, I have found that sometimes the taste is inferior to a previous product. At first, I’d purchase things and get home and give them a quick little lick. I thought the trend was foolish, but I soon learned I have this intense curiosity to find out what the items I purchase taste like. There was this Corona Virus TikTok challenge to lick store merchandise items.
